truth: 1 hottie = not worth 1,000s of birds dead in the sky

because women prefer advertisements to sex, cosmo magazine has kindly assembled bachelors from every state in america, asked them to answer 11 questions in 10 or fewer words, and photographed them: sleeves rolled, shirts lifted, abs glistening.  it's called COSMOS'S 2010 BACHELOR BLOWOUT.  what a great idea.  AND they are given bachelor email addresses so that subscribers can contact them and tell them how good they look.  on christmas day, one of my sisters decided to email adam davis, arkansas bachelor to wish him a merry christmas and to invite him into her blogosphere.  she invited my other sister and i to read adam davis's profile: he's shy, polite, listens to kings of leon, can't live without women in tight jeans, believes in soulmates, "manscapes," and wears his henleys modestly (half-unbuttoned).  

ladies, he's single.
intoxicated with christmas spirit, i decided that babysister and i should email adam davis as well.  baby incorporated lines from kings of leon's "milk" (reportedly adam davis' most-played song on the ol' ipod) into her email, while i boldly decided to straight up ask the most important question in the world, which of is of course: do you have what it takes to be my man?  adam davis replied to our emails within the hour, and though he did not address any of our questions, he did ask for a christmas photo of the 3 of us.  really?  yes.  yes, he did.  and he got one.  a little christmas gift.

1 WEEK LATER: 5,000 blackbirds and starlings drop dead from the sky and 83,000 drum fish wash up dead on the shore along the arkansas river.

this is what happens when 3 young ladies decide to take the cosmo challenge and pursue mr. arkansas: it does not rain men, it rains tiny carcasses. every time a woman contacts a cosmo bachelor, thousands of innocent creatures die of stress and/or spontaneous disease and everyone who was single before the bachelor was contacted remains single and the bachelor remains goodlooking and far away from you (and in all likelihood, probably not actually a bachelor) and officials have NO IDEA what is going on and I STILL DON'T HAVE A REAL JOB.  happy new year.

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